Death & After Care

Endless Processing

Introduction

So many things we were taught about death and how to process it and what happens to the person's energy has been incorrect or a slice of a whole. Unfortunately you have to go to the depths of hell to figure all this out for yourself. Since we are all individuals of one whole there is not one way to do everything. Since we are individuals there is no way for everyone to learn by taking the same course. So to say they taught us wrong is wrong. No one can teach you how earth shattering death can be! I would argue it's impossible to explain but here's my rendition.   

Mi Hermano 

My wonderful mother gave birth to seven children. Two children on the same day nine years apart(me being one of them). I have five brothers from my Mothers side. I remember being a little girl bragging about how my big brothers would come and beat up anyone who messed with me. I used it as a warding off spell. Even if it's not in a threatening way, I loved to tell people I have all these older brothers. Still till this day I still love bringing up my brothers and how having brothers has shaped me into this woman I am. I’m their pride and their baby. 

On New Year's day 2025 around 3am in Oakland, CA my beloved brotha Donta Jackson was murdered outside his home. He is my second eldest brother and the favorite brother of the brothers and cousins. We’re not here to talk about how amazing he was, we are to talk about how death can transform a nation. I know we know this already with powerful leaders but when it happens to your blood line there is a visceral glitch in all our lives. The glitch ripple hits home with the same impact but it is more extreme in some places over others. I see how I’m impacted especially with anxiety and I see it in my mother but it's more dense. I got the news while with my brother and I noticed in the following days he was forgetting things he's done a million times. Losing a sibling is completely different from losing a parent or auntie. I knew it when I woke up the next day. I woke up and I felt him missing. I felt a part of me was a part from me. I described it as losing a tentacle. My mind knows nothing is ever lost…

 I can feel him in a different realm but my information is rudimentary. It's because we shared the same womb space. The womb connects us all and I didn't know how connected until the connection dampened. 

In the feeling of loss, I also feel this feeling of wanting and desiring to be more alive. Do the things that terrifies me. Note I share the stereotype of despising the cold weather. However, last Saturday my spirit dropped the idea in my mind that today was the day for me to go to the beach. So I did what any sensible God adjacent woman would do. I took a walk to and rode BART and then took a bus in the rain to go to the beach and skinny dipped. It was invigorating! It was lush. The thought of it made me absolutely terrified once I got there. Plus the energy from the anticipation was enough to have a full orgasam. Once I got out of the water before I was fully clothed this silence washed over me. There was no more wind. I was butt ass naked under 32 some odd degrees in San Francisco Ocean Beach and I wasn't cold. The silence wasn't only heard but it was felt. 

I had no thoughts. I just sat. I was serenity! I felt and I looked and I was everything and nothing but I liked it. I’ve never done that before.

Death has caused me to move states and essentially be a couch surfer. I see clearer. I see how my decisions should be more thought out and more thorough to align with my thorough goals. Just like the Saturn Return death brings you closer to the path you set out for yourself when you decided you wanted to come to this realm. If you let it, of course. Death changed our name. Oakland is a huge part of my family. I consider myself a community worker and advocate here in Oakland. We are now victims of Oakland Gun Violence. Funny, it comes at a time that Oakland's violence has been on an all time low. It's hard to celebrate with Oakland on this one. Shid it's hard to celebrate New Years. Oakland violence is nationally known and now I identify with it, now I own it. Now I speak of Oakland differently. I speak of him as if I know him. As a healer, yoga practitioner and activist in the community what I speak about and to who has altered. My audience has widened. I'm able to serve a whole nother demographic because I can relate. There are youth that have gone through this that will benefit from my story and healing services now.

In addition to our name and how I show up there's a whole new responsibility that comes with loss. Some of us became caretakers at 18. One of us is headed into high school w/o a Dad. Another example of how a nation has been affected is we needed outside reinforcements just to keep some of us standing. Reinforcements for me meant leaning heavy on my best friends that would let me. My longest best friend Asha opened her home with her children to me to rest and be. My other best friend, Yero fed me and kept me close to him every weekend. An older brother of his, Dame took me under his wing at such a tender time. I feel endebted to my friends because I didn't ask them for any of it but I would not be here today without them! They gave me laughter, they gave me space. I was held! We aren’t the only ones affected even if few folks knew him. I’m not sure who all held up my other brothers and sister but I give thanks for their availability. 

Resolve

There's been a physical change in my body and the body that is my family grouped. There's been a dynamic emotional alteration. My mind has dropped barriers easily. Which has allowed for a new way of being and communicating. I feel my mind expanding. My mission statement has changed too. I’ve been altered on every level. I’m grateful for being this conscious, especially at this time. I’ve recorded and reported every substantial movement and its correlation to everything to reach over and over to try and get a handle on what in the fuck just happened. It was definitely equivalent to an atomic bomb for my  family. When my father passed it was only introspective for me. This has literally put me on the couch at my friend's house. Death has altered my brain chemistry.

There is beauty in death.

A lot of mind confusion.

There is strength.

There is a deep challenge that forces you to grow at a rapid rate or succumb. It's like the beginning of falling. Are you going to reach out for something to grab. Are you going to scrunch your legs to stabilize yourself. You do have to grab or you will fall.

It feels like death and the deep sorrow is an energy itself and it grabs at ya and aids you in staying in it and going in deeper.

I feel like I went to the depths and looked around. I found a desolate event. Sterile land that a lot of people dwell in but in separate corners. The land is so vast and calling. I looked the underworld in the eye and said “I give thanks for your service. I’m glad I got to see you and be able to still navigate my boat.” Next time I go and the waters are more turbulent I'll know my way out because I paid attention to every detail in my disarray. I might have been absent in my self care routine but my previous martial arts training has pulled through and allowed me to have a full consciousness and decent memory.